Restful sleep

As one gets older, it becomes the ongoing question - will I ever have a night of restful sleep? It is so rare to spent a night in bed without waking up, without tossing and turning and being restless. I am so used to getting up at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m. for so many years, to work, to care for my son, even on the weekends, sleeping until 8 a.m. was a luxury. But now I find myself sleeping until 8 a.m. on a weekday, and even today 9:45 a.m. on a Sunday, how rare. I can't remember sleeping like that on a Sunday in probably 25 years. I don't know if it is good or bad, healthy or not, but it is interesting feeling to feel somewhat rested and calm as my son begins his school year, not hectic and harried as usual. So we continue out clean-out and clean-up of the house, so we will definitely not qualify for the show Hoarders/Obsessed. Maybe just obsessed with cleaning out?

End of life counseling

Yesterday, I experienced end of life counseling in a discussion with my father, other family members and my father's doctor. It was horrifically sad, but very humane. The doctor was very kind and sensitive to everyone, and understood the complex nature of the discussion. This was no death panel, this was not the government deciding health care for an elderly person. It was a kind way of ensuring that if a patient does not want to continue on in a life with pain and suffering they can make an informed, intelligent choice about whether to have CPR or other measures taken to bring then back. This is what Medicare provides for, and everyone should be entitled to this, to be shown forms for living wills and health care proxies so this is all set up for them, it saves everyone time, energy, money (especially if you have to get we evil lawyers involved in the process) and most importantly emotional pain.

I am so tired of listening to the illogical debates and discussions. What a great loss today for the debate in Ted Kennedy's death. We need someone to step up with a great voice who can frame the issues and move us past emotion and into facts and logic. Unfortunately, however much I admire President Obama, he is not leading us, he handed us over to the wolves in Congress, to the hissing lobbyists and pharma companies and insurance companies to cut up the spoils they will invariably end up with. How sad for all of us that these issues continue to be politicized.

Cleaning out

When I was a child, I was very focused on being organized and systematic, in contrast to the chaotic house I lived in. Organizing my possessions, clothes, toys, books, felt like the only thing I could control, since I lived with a parent who was compulsive, compulsive spending, compulsive hoarding - food, clothes, medicine and vitamins, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, papers.

I have not lived at home for more than 30 years, but I still am always cleaning out, afraid of accumulating too much. About 20 years ago I read a book about Kabalah. A few concepts really spoke to me, one being one of emptying out, that if I am emptying out, cleaning out, I am leaving room for G-d, and other positive energy. But if I am hoarding, then I am blocking positive energy and positive things from reaching me. Emptying out could be anything, from stuff, to emotional baggage. So I have spent years, emptying out negativity, from old unused clothes and possession, to old emotional baggage that weighs me down and prevents me from soaring. It is both frightening and freeing to make change in life, as much as it is to clean out - that type of change.

With that said, I am in a cleaning out phase. When we returned home from our vacation, (with too much time on my hands) I organized my closet and drawers, cleaning out several bags of clothes, and making a commitment to wear everything in my closet before I repeated summer clothes, and will do the same for fall/winter clothes. As I go, I am finding more and more to clean out, forcing myself to empty out irrelevant baggage from my life.

A&E has a new show about OCD including people who hoard. It is fascinating to watch the program and realize how the compulsions start, the fears, and that is it not so far-fetched or unreasonable. The relationship people can have to their possessions, food, papers, what others would think of as junk. Now that my husband has watched a few episodes, he is now cleaning out too.

Can't we all just get along?

In watching the news the last several weeks with all the fake protestors attending the town hall meetings about health care, I keep thinking about Rodney King asking the fundamental question, "Can't we all just get along?" can't we agree to disagree? Can't we respectfully listen to others, not call them names, not make fun of them? What I am seeing reminds me of first grade, or sometimes seventh grade, but not any better. We can think someone is an idiot but do we really need to tell them? Isn't that just appropriate civil discourse?

When the Republicans had control of the House, Senate and the White house, they didn't get it done, just like they didn't pass a constitutional amendment to ban abortion, ban gay marriage, or any other fundamentalist deprivation of personal rights. So what are they complaining about now?

they have a right to complain, just as I do, but not in the way they are doing it, in part because it is dishonest, in part because it is disrespectful, and because when it is all said and done, it is un-American.

Mid-life thoughts on aging parents

Watching my father's illness and declining health for the last eight months have been extraordinarily difficult. To see a man who in one day goes from being independent, driving, working, eating, walking, paying bills, making phone calls, ordering people around who work for him, to utter dependence in a matter of hours is shocking and horrifying. To contemplate that it could happen to me or my husband at any time is equally terrifying.

So, with all of that in mind D. and I sat down last night and talked about where our lives are headed and what would be on our "bucket list" to take an inventory of our future. It was interesting and telling - we made our lists independently, then compared them and were pleased to learn that more than half we had in common. Most revolved around travel and money, having enough money to not worry about bills, and having enough to be giving it away, doing some good in the world.

For me separately, most revolved around travel which D. has done but I have not, Israel, Greece, Portugal, Hong Kong. I also have a goal to have traveled to all 50 states only 18 to go which would not take long if I focused on it, but not now, after we are empty nesters -

Hawaii, Alaska, Arkansas, Alabama, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Idaho, Utah, Nevada, Montana, Washington, Oregon, Mississippi.

In looking at the list, I was pleased and surprised. We both agreed that we have done so much in our lives, and don't feel deprived. Maybe we haven't achieved what we wanted to professionally, and maybe we won't. But we've traveled, and experienced so much, and lived full lives before, during, and after parenthood, marriage, broken marriages, and broken families, and more.

Now that my son is home, the house doesn't feel quite so empty. At least for now we have positive energy, he is happy to be home from the busy summer with a few weeks left until school starts. I know we only have four more years, then off to college. Is that when life begins again? My summers now are trying to figure out what to do with that life.

Age is a state of mind or just a number?

Yes I know - I am in an enormously immense huge midlife crisis. Three months away from 50 and I look in the mirror and don't see it. I see maybe 40, but not 50, this isn't what 50 is supposed to look like. Why can't I choose my number for the day depending on how I feel and look? Why am I boxed in by chronological age - a number - what does it mean?

That I am supposed to act, or dress, or look a certain way, by whose set of standards and expectations?

Isn't 50 supposed to be all about grey hair and feeling old, or at least that is what it was when I was a child, or even when I was 25. But now, who is 50 - Madonna? She is weird with her diet and whose knows how much plastic surgery, but look at her. Dara Torres, the Olympic swimmer at 42 - her body is amazing. So what is 50, not how I feel or look. Definitely not my state of mind. But certainly wondering and searching for the real meaning of my life, why am I here? What am I supposed to accomplish with my time here because my time is running out, and where is it all headed?

Yes, a real mid-life crisis, and I loudly proclaim that I reject the number 50.

Queen for a day

If I were queen for a day I would:

1. nationalize the banking system, clean it up, shut down the insolvent banks, sell off assets and be done with it.

2. nationalize health insurance, pay physicians reasonable salaries and cancel their student loans, pay incentives for medical students to specialize in under served specialties, agree to pay hospitals reasonable fees for services, and be subject to penalties for mistakes and infections.

3. change all laws and constitutional requirements stating who is a citizen at birth. Thus, if one of your parents cannot show citizenship or legal residence when you are born here, you will not be a citizen.

4. requiring all new roofs to contain solar elements to reduce energy consumption, requiring all new roofs to be white, requiring homes to have small windmills to assist in energy use with battery backups for both the windmills and solar, along with financial assistance to add these systems (10 year roll out).

5. all new homes to have water cisterns and grey water systems, and existing homes to add water cisterns with same financial assistance to add as above.

6. invest in smart grid technology, and google's smart metering so we can track our energy use and learn to conserve.

7. end both wars in middle east which would pay for everything else I would like to do

8. institute a draft which will be an insurance policy against easily entering any future wars (with no exemptions for the rich and privileged). for example if someone is medically unfit for active duty, they would be required to engage in some form of public service at the same pay grade or desk duty for the military.

9. fix social security by removing any income limits. just a flat tax no matter your earnings.

10. higher taxes on wealthy, VAT tax like in europe on luxury merchandise, 1% national sales tax for five years to pay down deficit and pay for transition in economy to nationalized health insurance and reduction in energy use (but not on necessities - clothes, food, TP).

11. outlaw putting corn syrup in food. if the corn producers need to sell their product they can turn it into ethanol rather than our food to make us fatter. too much sugar in every processed food. read the labels.

12. outlaw selling cars/suvs which have MPG of less than 30 within 5 years.

13. outlaw selling of regular water heaters and require upon their replacement conversion to tankless hot water heaters (with financial assistance via tax credits)

14. expand grants to improve efficiency.

Oh, if only I were queen for a day. It would be long, but it would change the world.

a death in the family - the post office

The post office is something deemed so important by America's founders that it is mentioned in the constitution. Article I, Section B of the constitution "The Congress shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common Defense and general Welfare of the United States; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises shall be uniform throughout the United States; to borrow money on the credit of the United States; . . . To establish Post Offices and post Roads . . ."

The Post Office is like an old friend, a member of the family as it were. Someone who could be relied upon to deliver gifts, checks, bills and other bad news, along with the joys of invitations and announcements, magazines, and a plethora of junk mail. The old motto of the post office delivering in rain, sleet or snow, has fallen by the wayside (at least in my neighborhood) due to worker's compensation for accidents in that weather, and dog attacks, and other safety issues, but the post office has slogged on, trying to keep up with changing technology and growing generations of people who don't write letters, who use only email and internet (and maybe a fax) to pay bills and communicate.

So comes the question, do we really need it anymore? My husband and I have a sick parlor game or really a driving game, as we travel we notice businesses closing or that should close - as we discuss whether you really need brick and mortar businesses for so many items or services. How many big box and other stores do we really need? Do we really need car dealerships or just a mall where we can see all the brands/models and test drive? Do we really need so many cleaners and nail salons? Maybe we need more farms and less stores? We discuss how when we travel through New Jersey so much open space lost to development - houses and townhouses, stores that are now sitting vacant. When I was young and we moved to the area I live in now, even though it was the suburbs, we had farms five minutes away, farm stands with fresh produce. Those farms existed until a few years ago, but have now all been plowed under for development. Now, we have to wait for the farmer's market on Fridays, or drive 30 minutes to a real farm. How sad is that.

Shouldn't we be building fewer homes, consolidating people in tighter spaces to use less fuel, use more mass transit, force people to walk and interact, and grow more food, have more places for windmills and solar panels, and have more open space to enjoy?

So, do we really need the post office? We fax, we email, we fedex or UPS, we buy our stamps at the Shop-rite or online. What do we get in the mail? A few bills from antiquated vendors who haven't yet moved their billing online. A few local newspapers that haven't yet mastered the web for delivering their service. A lot of junk mail. That's about it. We pay our bills from where ever we are in the world, read our news online (except the Sunday New York Times), even ready many magazines online.

Within 10 years, if not sooner, the post office will have to privatize via fedex, DHL, UPS, or another vendor and die. Once the population that still depends on it ages out, it will disappear,, a not so quiet death as the workers are laid-off and the real estate is sold and re-developed (possibly a fund-raiser for debt reduction?). But it is inevitable. Too bad, so sad? or not.